keep on plodding

Gosh emotions are fun. I've complained to my few close friends on a number of occasions about how few emotions I seem to feel...my spectrum of emotion is not so colourful. You probably have all kinds of colour in your spectrum. Like:

Purple: Creative
Pink: Fun and cute
Red: Anger/Passion
Yellow: Happiness
Green: Jealousy
Dark green: Fear
Blue: Sadness
Grey: Stoic, cold
Black: Sexy/Moody

I don't seem to get many of these...mostly Grey/Stoic with flashes of Yellow/Happiness and Red/Passion. Whenever I talk to other people, they seem to feel so much more.
Purple? Pfft, I'm a fiercely logical thinker, which is an enormous dampener of creativity.
Pink? Pfft, heterosexual men are not allowed to be cute.
Green? I don't get jealous. I either get Red/Angry and try to acquire this thing that I don't have, or I sit back and admire the Yellow/Happy splendour.
Dark Green? Hmm, I do feel this occasionally, but only when I look for it, which seems unintuitive since real fear is about the unknown and not being in control.
Blue? What makes people sad? What makes people feel anguish? Those are both genuine questions...I don't know the answer. I haven't shed a tear since 2000, when I was upset because I was forced to go to a school to learn vietnamese. I don't fully understand why I was crying then either.

Why don't I feel any of these fun emotions? I thought that it was because that I'm some kind of freak, who simply lacks these emotions. I read up and watched media with psychopaths like American Psycho, Dexter, Death Note, Silence of the Lambs and many others, hoping to find clues as to why I might be so odd. This was my personal quest for a couple of years, and I considered my quest completed some months ago.

Until yesterday.



A few days ago, I sat down to watch a spot of TV with a housemate. I don't know why I did - I usually find TV so terribly mind rotting. Ah, I remember - I had a friend over who was in the bathroom and I was waiting for her return. Anyway, my housemate pointed something out to me - a judge on the panel for a stand up comic competition had a resemblance to someone we both knew - Valentine's Day. I saw the resemblance right away - not just her appearance, but her mannerisms and energy - the things I'm most attracted to - they were all the same. I instantly realised how much I missed her, and arranged to meet up with her yesterday.

I may be giving her too much credit here, but I think women are diabolically clever in making us wait. It's an amplifier - it makes us that more excited to meet people we like, and also many times more hateful of people we don't. I waited somewhere around 25 minutes for her.

Then I finally saw her. Well, she saw me. She always reacts the same way - she sees me at a distance, and runs up to me with her tiny statured steps and hugs me. Every time. There's something safe and comfortable about people with unique habits. I'd blog about that if I wasn't late for a dance meet right now.

Then there's the way she treats me. I've blogged about how much I dislike extroverts before. Another reason is that many extroverts I have met are incredibly weak people - that is, they seem to cower and "walk on eggshells" around me. I've been told that Valentine's Day can be incredibly insecure, but that was not the impression I got from her yesterday. She was bold, bolder than my male kung fu students who fear me greatly, she challenged me! She challenged my worth and such as a person and I buckled. I went home yesterday feeling a strange kind of emotion. Like anger, but without hatred. It lasted an hour or so - I tried to prolong it with music. It faded, and I then felt something a little more familiar...I'm crazy about her. What is more maddening is that I know she doesn't feel the same.

She makes me feel things I don't normally feel. It's occurred to me that I'm probably not a freak who lacks emotions at all - I probably just lack the exciting stimulus.

It was a good day. :]