keep on plodding

No beautiful writing or poetry here.

As magical and perfect the First kiss sounded, it was only the first half of the story.

She said a lot of things to me. Things like:

"I've been waiting for so long for this!"
"Do you realise how adorable our kids would be?"
"Do you have any idea how adorable you are right now?"

Soon after though, she told me that she was not "girlfriend" material.

Mixed messages like this can completely screw a regular guy's mind. For little me after my first kiss, she may as well have written the instructions for a suitable way to commit suicide as well.

The past 3 days have been an emotional rollercoaster of emotion for me. You might already know what this is like, but understand something; on a "normal" day, my emotions are only "grayscale", i am either emotionless, or "fake happy". You know, the "happy" you use when someone tells a joke and you've long since stopped caring. My emotions are normally gray. To suddenly experience a complete spectrum - from bubbling ecstasy, raging and completely illogical fury to teary depression in such a short time is taking a toll on me.

I don't know what I'll do next.

Fuck. Fuck this. Fuck it. Fuck it. Fuck it. Fuck it. Fuck it. Fuck it. Fuck it. Fuck it. Fuck it. Fuck it. Fuck it. Fuck it. Fuck it. Fuck it. Fuck it. Fuck it. Fuck it. Fuck it. Fuck it. Fuck it. Fuck it. Fuck it. Fuck it. How do you like being a doormat? omg I JUST LOVE IT BRING ON THE PAIN BRING IT

I've always been comfortable with girls. Think about the guys these days - so many of them get "approach anxiety" just thinking about talking to a pretty girl. But me...having been raised by two older sisters - no male influence - I never learned to be anxious.

But!

Having been exposed to girls for so much time, I never learned to take things further with them. It never occurs to me that a girl could be my girlfriend. To all the girls who liked or might have liked me, they all thought I didn't like them. Or that I was slow.



It took one heck of a strong girl to break me of this habit :] She invited me out, just the two of us, the night before valentine's day. She's been hinting at me to make a move for a LONG time, but like always, I never noticed.

This night, she clasped onto my arm like a little japanese schoolgirl, and asked me to be her pretend boyfriend. Nothing from me. She kept moving to places where it would be easy for me to cuddle her to bits. Nothing from me. We found our way to a dark corner where she wrapped herself around me and we stared into each other's eyes, foreheads touching. Still nothing from me. (do you guys think I'm lame yet?? xD) We went out to the dance floor, where she had to stop dancing, stay on the side and admire my dance skills. She could have easily found someone else to make out with - I've seen her do so before of course. Still nothing from me.

FINALLY, we went to the soft little corner again *suspense* Amidst everything else, she laughed and said to me "any other guy would have kissed me by now."

I snapped. I rolled her over, stared at her really close, and said: