keep on plodding

I feel like I'm at quite a turning point in my life now. It doesn't seem like all that long ago that I'd go to school, stomp my homework into oblivion then spend endless hours playing Ragnarok Online and Counter Strike. Now though, I can't stomp my commitments into oblivion. A commitment takes days, weeks, months...serious decisions have to be made about what commitments I can and should take on.

I seriously considered quitting martial art again. I had quit once before in 2007 disappointing many people in the process. The decision then was so easy, I only practiced seriously because of the playfights I got into with my friends at the time, which I always lost. We grew up, grew apart, and without them, why bother comtinuing? But now, 2010, with two students of my own, the decision was not quite so simple. I talked about this last night with my only female student Alix. It was clear to me that the mental debates I was having with myself were too complicated for her, so I stopped for a moment, listened only to her problems, her goals. She had struggled to find physical disciplines that would stick to her in the past, but she was finally sticking to martial art with me because of my teaching method. I thought for a moment - if she continues training with me, she still won't achieve her fitness goals. My training does not build muscle or kill much fat - it builds technique and a fiery demeanor.

Then it occurred to me. I wanted to quit martial art because I was not getting enough out of it compared to dance. But, I can easily change the martial arts training to better suit Alix and her needs...I could just as easily change the training to give myself more value as well. There's no need for me to give so much that I bleed myself dry - I can grow in these sessions as well.

I'll remain Kung Fu Hung-Su, for now. :]

Then there's other people. I'm told that my mother's been terribly upset with both the men out of the house; my father's run off to another city and I've moved out of home. My autistic brother is chaotic and uncontrollable, and my sister can't seem to offer any comfort - she tells me that sometimes mother would call out my name, and be disappointed to see my sister at the door instead. So, I am required by moral law to do something about the situation. It's so strange. I feel an enormous need to help people - I teach for free, do a great deal of 'professional' work and chores for free, but feel no need to help my blood family. I don't know why I am this way, and for now, am not about to dive into why.

Then there are people who I do care about. Today was the day I'd finally see Valentine's Day again. Almost 3 months since we had last really spoken. Drawn out so long, I somehow felt no excitement when I woke that morning...then I got a message from her asking if I was still coming to see her - somehow, everything streamed back :] I imagined her sweet smiling face, her little voice, her tiny stature, her big beautiful mind, I was excited, wondered what I would wear, how I would do my hair, all these needless details you'd wonder if she'd even notice.

I can't remember if I have ever been somewhere last. For as long as I can remember, I always find myself waiting for other people to show up. I remember cursing my poor vision as I tried scanning the crowd for her face, then seeing her standing on top of a flight of stairs, in her little skirt, leggings and fluffy scarf...it's so strange. There was a time when I would have sprinted up the stairs, picked her up and swung her about, but I felt reserved. I remember after I kissed her that night so long ago, that I had to find a way to not love her too much - I think I succeeded.

I certainly enjoyed my time with her :] I wasn't even all that bothered by how hard she was to read, I only enjoyed her wit and her marvelous energy. I find it a wonderful coincidence that her name sounds like the word for "fireworks" in another language...she really is like a firecracker. Little and innocuous, it makes wonderful explosion when given a tiny little igniting spark. Just the same, she is little and innocent, but with something as little as me hitting the dance floor, she screams with delight, something I will never tire of. I, love her company. I love her long stares into my eyes, I love her love and concern for my madness, I love teasing her endlessly about everything, I love our mutual taste in movies, I love her design flair, I love her need to produce as well as consume life, I love that she's as utterly bizarre as I am, I love her incredible awareness of every detail about me, I love the person I become when I'm with her.

Why the hell am I considering dating someone else?

In the past 24 hours I've had a lot of rest and a lot of pain.

• I taught my first hip hop class as mentioned in the last post - I've had some feedback from the students; people were really happy with my teaching style and would love to see more :]
• Spent another hour rehearsing for a performance, making friends with some really bright, funny energetic dancers ^^
  
• I've had 3 martial arts training sessions, with two guys and one girl, total of about four and a half hours of training
  
• watched Iron Man 2 in Dendy Premium with a delicious chocolate platter and trio of dips
• and watched How to Train your Dragon in 3D.

All fantastic, a very eventful 24 hours :D

And also, a mysterious call at 1am this morning. My sister crying. My older brother smashed her laptop in a rage and she has an assignment due on Monday. Drama drama.

Now for my own mini dilemma. Check out that bruise there. Vicious right? Can't really tell, but it's about the size of a big tablespoon of strawberry jam. My second student, Alix did that to me today - I told her to use two different types of kick on my shoulders. This bruise is on my left shoulder, from her right leg. But that's not important.

What happened next is important. Alix has been having trouble placing pressure on opponents - this is important as a fighter. So I told her to simply beat me aruond the head and body, and I would not defend myself at first, but would slowly start to fight back, and she would have to maintain the same level of pressure on me even as I resisted. In hindsight, this was far too much of a psychological burden on her, but that is what hindsight is. After doing this twice, she was exhausted physically and emotionally, she was in tears. It didn't occur to me that this would be so difficult - my other student had taken to this very quickly, but he is male and also a rugby player who is OK with dispensing pain.

I discussed this a short time ago with a friend before watching How to train your dragon. He suggested that we just move to pads to ease the burden of punching a friend. His wife suggested we just go to the gym.

I had another thought - I could just teach her dance instead. Plus gym maybe. It may be time for me to quit martial art for good.

Martial art has a number of useful upsides though. The physical strain is enormous - only breakdance, acrobatics and gymnastics match it for intensity in my opinion. The emotional strain is enormous - I can't think of any skill that is taxing in the same way - to win fights, you have to be INTENSE and full of fire! A lazy fighter who doesn't care will always lose. If you learn to fight with fire, you can learn to dance with fire, design with fire, many things!

But, I already know this stuff. Don't need to learn again. So, my next problem is breaking the news of my "resignation" to everyone, and also figuring out how to teach people to dance with fire. Stay tuned :]

Why the heck is nothing getting done? This is how much I have on my plate right now.

IT. The career path I spent so many years earning a degree in. The work I do keeps calling me, though the pay is peanuts.

Design. The career path I want to chase, leaving IT mostly behind. I have a a bunch of design jobs on right now - a logo for a photography studio, the dance club website, a Dragonball Z game website and a logo to represent myself. As non designers you may not understand how much time is required to complete a design of any kind - believe me, like any artwork or work of passion, it's never really finished, only abandoned.

Dance. I've been dancing in bits and pieces since early 2008, since age 21. I'm 23 now, and have helped start a dance club at a university of academics, with no love for dance, where there was no dance scene before.

Let me just stress how hard this is. Yes, this is a university, which is full of older teenies and twenty-somethings. But these are all smart kids, academics. Many have never taken formal dance lessons, never mind something as carefree and creative as hip hop. This university had virtually no dance scene or love for dance at all.

It's early 2010 now, and the dance club is now blossoming into something enormous. People are showing a love for dance now, but to keep up with this demand, I will have to learn/choreograph a new routine for these peeps until I decide I no longer love dance. Which, probably won't happen. I also have to practice for a performance in two weeks time. No one will rise to a leadership position, so that leaves me. This means I have to learn more than anyone else. Also as leader, I have the "privilege" of being the star of the show with a 20 second solo. As a true introvert I'm not sure if I want the attention.

Martial Art. The hobby I abandoned in 2007 because I wanted to pursue dance will not leave me alone. I have a protege, who is strong enough and skilled enough to defeat me, but will not do so. I want him to hurry up and beat me, so he'll feel compelled to move to a stronger teacher, but I think he fears he will not be able to find another. In addition, word spreading of my (limited) talents keeps attracting new potential students, and I'm having trouble saying no to them. I have to seriously consider quitting martial art for good (again), if I'm to ever achieve anything.

Driving. Or lack thereof. I have 5 months to go from a learner driver to provisional, or one who can drive without supervision.

Busy. Busy. Busy.